Archive for the ‘Redneck Humor’ Category

that gal can’t cook!

September 7, 2006

So I’m playin a ‘country’ club in L.A…. Seems country there is golf. Not one fuckin horse or pickup truck to be seen! So I start the set and I look at this gal all fidgety in her seat. She up front and I is eyeballin her just to make her nervous.

So I says, “Hey gurl, yu knows wut a Redneck is”?

She nods ‘no’.

So I shakes my melon and stares right into them pretty ocean green eyes, and says “Guess yu can’t cook roadkill either”

Crowd laffs and she’s baffled and says, “Is that a foren dish”.

“Nopes”, I says, “It’s a Southern delicasy”.

Crowd roars, she looks around sheepishly.

“Yu a real blonde, I take it”.

She nods and giggles.

“Dang”, I says, “Gotta luv them California gurls”!



May 12, 2006

Things Guys hate To Hear Just Before Sex


No. Stop.

I have VD.

Don't mind the crabs.


No glove, no love.


What's your name again?


Oh no, it's stuck.


Let me pull out my tampon first.


I use to be a guy!!!!

Take it out, you're hurting me!

Welcome to the world of HIV!!!

I didn't mean to clamp up on you!

When my dad walks in with a gun, just ignore him!

Sorry, I just thought I had to fart, I didn't mean to shit everywhere!!

Are you in yet?

I hope you are as good as my 6 brothers!!!

Will that be cash or charge?

Redneck Women-2

May 12, 2006

I'm lucky. Been single most my life, most recently 6 years. Sheeit ya don't get closer to bein disease free than that.

But poor old Jim Bob. He got hitched when the womans lubrication movement wuz just gettin oiled. he married Betty Jane, and soon she was  doin that libber thang and makin Jim Bob's life a livin hell. No dinner on the table, she made him do half the housework. Dang that good ole boy wuz pussy whipped to hell and back 3 times.

Well this went on fer years and he had to get a positive take on it. With both of em werkin, he had more to drink, didn't have to be with her all the time, didn't have to manage the money, he could eat his own cookin.  Betty one hell of an awful cook..

Now there be a backlash 'gainst that whole nonsensical 'ism'. Now women values a home, children, family and she sure is sick and tired of bein a workin slave.

so betty come home and told jim Bob she wanted to be a dutiful wife and mother and haves kids. Well hell no! Jim Bob is dumb, like real stoopid dum! He ain't gonna give her up as a wage earner and now have to werk overtime to keep her home and then if there is kids, he gotta werk more and have less time with the good ole boys. sheeit, the trailer I sold him 25 years ago ain't paid for and I can't foreclose on one of the boys.

So he told her to git back out there and suck it up like a man and know whut equality is like. Men got shafted once, we ain't dumb enuff to get it agin. 

Problem is, them that got hooked on it, is now established. they realize that the woman's movement made men 'not' care bout family, home and relationships. Made men into wimps no longer able to protect and provide for women. And hell, want a family, sheeit, we too busy drinkin, and we can thank that feminist movement fer that. We likes bein single and havin our own lives.

Hot damn, y'all liberated us. And all this time, y'all thot we was dumb… So honey gets to werk, handle the paycheck and do the bills, we ain't gonna cling to ya, things to get done at the local saloon. We don't need yer bad cookin and we ain't werkin overtime so y'all can sit on yer ass and get fat.

(spoken word rant) 

Redneck Women

May 12, 2006

Who here likes Redneck women??? (claps)… oh, so y'all think they is fun like Gretchen Wilson and all prettified, tight jeans and all????

Hell no, boy! I hail from Mad Dog Texas, and there ain't one in our trailer park worth lookin at. Hell yu think the men is ugly, women in Mad Dog is meaner. Where yu think we got the name? Mad Dog is one 'bitchin' place I tell ya!

Kinda wants to make y'all not visit, huh! yups, them redneck womes sure is ugly… Dang they'd be all over yu city pretty boys. They gets ya in a leg lock and yu ain't goin nowhere.

Dang, yu city folks is so gullible. Yu believe anything a redneck says, jus cuz we the 'in thang'. Sheeit no, we tells ya that to keep y'all away…

See, see, now yer thinkin bout it.. What story is travis sayin whuts true… If we goes there they might all be ugly and then we's in fer it. But what if we don't go there, and they's all Hot like Gretchen Wilson…

Well I tell yu one thang, yu goes there and tries to pull off what I do with Sheriff Bubba Q. Cobb when he pulls yer yankee (or Canadian) plated fancy car over,and yu try to steal his liquor, yu better not.

(pretty gal walks onto the stage, kissed travis on the cheek).

Folks yer a great crowd, I want yu to meet my wife  Lila may coll. (crowd claps)..

See, see, yu people believe anything a Redneck with a microphone says. She ain't my wife, they don't make em like that in Mad Dog. (laffs).

Ya still don't know what to think… great crowd, good nite. (claps). 

Cat Humor

May 12, 2006

Cats can be the most humorous pets. Did you know that in medieval times times peasants would float a cat in a wooden bowl in a shallow pond and throw rotten vegetables at the cat and try to sink it. Think of it, we descended from these same medieval folks, they was just like Rednecks!
The word ‘feline’ comes from the Latvian root ‘fee’ meaning ‘have fun with’, and the Norwegian root, ‘line’, meaning ‘the cat’. Thus cats were named to have fun with!!???
There are many forms of good cat humor. By far the best and most traditional is putting tape on a cat’s feet. They love this and shake their little paws in a cat dance.
If ya put a sock on a cats head it will always walk backwards, instinctively. Cats love it when you place a balloon over a hot air duct so the balloon hovers in the air. They are more than impressed with this stupid cat toy.
To test how stupid your cat is, give it a catnip dog, made in the image of the neighborhood pooch who always chases your cat. Then when the cat learns that this is a fun cat toy, when she goes out, watch what kitty does when she finds out that fido just smells doggie. The fur will fly.
Most cats by nature are just plain stupid. So you must brighten up their lives with a few HOAXES. But the most Humorous cat we have heard of is BUCKWHEAT. He growls, spits, scratches, velcros onto your leg or arm, howls, screams and is always ill tempered. He needs a good dose of CAT HUMOR including the traditionat tieing balloons to his tail and chasing him. Buckwheat is the CAT FROM HELL!!!

(written rant which can be modified at a show)

Why Rednecks are smarter in comedy!

May 12, 2006

monolog: (Redneck doing a club in Canada)

hey y'all, great crowd gonna be a good show, so drink up and I'll be funnier. Ya know why a redneck is guaranteed to get laffs at a club in Canada? Y'all don't know, well guess it's a given that a Redneck knows. (claps).

Well we are guaranteed laffs for 2 reasons. 1- Y'all don't like Americans, so yer gonna laff at us, right (claps). now number 2 is, if ya don't laff y'all gotta be dumber than a Redneck cuz ya just don't git the joke (Big applause).

end of the show:

Had a great time here, I almost feel Canadian, do I look any smarter? If a redneck can buffalo all yu edumacated city folk we ain't as dumb as we look. (claps) And y'all clapped, dang, nice to be smarter, y'all was laffin cuz I told ya that yu had to at the beginnin of the show. Good night canada, love y'all, specially the blond in the front row, she the only gal I seen here not over 400 pounds. (hoots and hollers).

Did that one off the top of my head at an open mic up north. Gonna add that to the friday nite joke. "And if yu think Bubba and Jim Bob is dumb, I got them Canadians to laff, and then they bought me drinks".

Rednecks friday nite

May 12, 2006

See, we gots the system down cold. it's a friday nite and yer cruisin round in the pickup. Y'all make Jim Bob ride in the back, cuz after him syphonin off the gas for the ride, ya know he gonna toss his cookies. if'n he in the back he can toss on the road.

Now, we's all poor where we comes from, an everyone drinks. So it's a safe bet that the local Sheriff has beer and whisky in his trunk. now thats cuz he usually don't make enuff money and has to bootleg on the side. Well this comes in handy if yer pickup truck can go at least 50 MPH. Whatya do is this… Get on the CB and find where Bubba is parked to catch them yankee speeders that we don't like much commin thru our town. Then ya puts stolen NY plates on the pickup and races past him hopin ya don't blow the engine. Now when he pulls ya over, ya asks bout the wife and kids, and at least one of the good ole boys in the truck will be related to Bubba.

Then Jim Bob sneaks outa the back. Prys the Sheriff's trunk open and steals the beer and whisky and scoots off down the field where we meet him. Sherrif don't give tickets, cuz we all related. He sure gives us shit tho for havin yankee plates. So we gits away with the beer and liquor and has a good old time.

Now folks like Jim Bob ain't to smart. From suckin all that gas, he too woozy to drink, so that leaves more for me and the boys. old Bubba, he ain't to bright either, cuz we do this to him bout twice a month! He thinks it's a coincidence and don't see no further than that.

Now, me, i'm the smartest of the bunch. Ain't got no relatives north of the Mason Dixon line. So I liquors up my buddies quick like, gets em all drunk and we goes to the saloon, and there I can leave em, cuz every gal looks good to them while they is wasted. And I takes off with the stash and the best lookin gal in the place.. And she rides up front with me in the cab. Now y'all knows why dogs ride in the bed, cuz a smart Redneck prefers 'cats', and pussy always rides up front!

This is all original material and copyrighted

May 12, 2006

So there yu R…

Redneck Humor- city folk be WARNED:)

May 12, 2006

redneck Humor has become popularized with the lighthearted stuff of Jeff Foxworthy and his more 'to the point' buddy Larry the Cable Guy. my stuff is a mixture of both. But i started in 1990. City folk won't get much of this, so I will just have to be content in shocking y'all til ya get it. If yer offended by this humor, send me a cashiers check made out to my manager and keep the amount blank, cuz if yu don't like it y'all can pay my wages for me to stop, cuz i ain't gonna stop makin money jus so's y'all can live in a po-lite fantasy werld. So, that she goes!